Wow, I didn’t realize how much my title sounds like S&M! There is none here, however, so those expecting whips and chains and domination may leave if you so wish 😛
Anyway, I’m here to detail my further adventures in the realm of Real Life!
After being broken up with on Wednesday (see how I gloss over that? Be glad, dear readers, that I do not expound), I have catapulted myself back into a social life – or what passes as a social life for a socially self-starved reclusive writer!
Friday was of particular note because one of my friends dragged me out to a torture museum. In that esteemed place of mindless torment, I got to see lots of nice images of how they tortured and killed witches – oof, never been so glad to live in the current day and age! Be happy, people, be very, very happy! – and they had a fascinating specimen of a man’s chastity belt…Yes, your eyes are perfectly functional. A man’s chastity belt. All metal with a long phallus standing proudly erect! My friend and I had a bit of a disagreement after we left as to whether the protruding appendage was 4 inches or 6 inches, me estimating it to be larger and him smaller – probably due to me being an optimist and seeing such objects in a greater, more favorable light and him likely imagining stuffing certain delicate matter into something too small for it.
Anyway, after that enlightening experience, we went for a drink and chatted until 2am, after which I convinced him he must give the Prague night tram a whirl. Fortunately for him there were no piles of regurgitation steaming up the car, but as the night tram must leave its mark on people somehow, someone did let rip a powerfully gusty but deadly silent fart. So I believe he found the experience highly titillating…
The night tram nonetheless delivered him to his hotel safely if a bit woozy, and I arrived home to find my internet not working. At that point I did as anyone brain-dead after a long night out would do; I executed a bunch of randomly desperate, utterly non-sensical maneuvers on my computer and ended up breaking it even more, after which I confessed the futility of my very existence in proximity to the router and all things electrical and wrote to my ex-husband who might as well be akin to a god in the realm of computers where I am but a useless peon.
Not long after that, my friend whose rabbit I have been rabbit-sitting for the past month (read ‘rabbit’ as ‘my arch nemesis that urinates on my bed, sprays my cats with sperm, and shoots pellets out like a candy machine’) showed up to fetch his pellet-shooting critter and prepare for Operation Smuggle Bunny – Operation Smuggle Bunny being hiding the bunny in his backpack and transporting him to Greece – to be clear, this is because the bus company won’t let him take the rabbit on the bus, not because it’s illegal (it isn’t; the rabbit is vaccinated thanks to yours truly – Wait, wait, what is that I hear? Background applause? Yes, yes, thank you *bows* I know I’m just fab).
And so the rabbit was put into the backback and spirited away, away… leaving me at home with my cats and an empty rabbit cage. I figured I would sell the cage…but then I walk into the kitchen and see Zulejka lounging about inside it. Why? I asked her. She didn’t answer. Black cats are so taciturn.
See how she has her head turned carefully away from me? Definite sign of, “I’m not gonna answer, so stop asking.” Regrettably, cats are in control of this side of communication. I was left no recourse but to figure she was doing as any half-mad, heartbroken girl does after being left by her boyfriend: curls up on his bedding to smell his scent and pretend he’s still there. Zulejka, after all, was the cat that attacked the bunny the most, hence the love-hate relationship blossoming strong.
But then the next day I find Sep lounging in the cage.
What is going on with my cats? They have become creatures beyond my comprehension.
However, I must add the happy ending here, that being that my ex-husband called me the next afternoon and patiently helped me reset up the router, so now you all have him to thank for me exposing you to my lovely experiences with cats in cages and men’s chastity belts! Thank you, Radek!
And because poor Zako didn’t get any pictures, here’s one of him…
Now the time has come for me to put up another excerpt from one of my stories. This one comes from ‘Heiress to the Seven Cities’:
Brent strutted toward Quentyn and Iminique, unperturbed. “Come, wizard. Try to defeat me with your magic! I dare you. You’ll see that it has no power over me!”
Quentyn’s fist flew out, ramming into Brent’s gut and doubling him over. Then he drew back and smashed his fist into the nobleman’s face. The impact knocked Brent backward a few steps and, stumbling, his body hit the back ridge of the divan and backflipped over it.
Taking Iminique’s hand, Quentyn stalked over to the prone, groaning form clutching its streaming nose and curled around its assaulted stomach.
“You forgot that brute force can be turned against men as well as women,” Quentyn drawled. “Or maybe you simply forgot that even wizards have fists.”