Here I f*cking go again

Here it comes again. The overwhelming stress. The crash in motivation. The inner seething. The jaw gritting to keep from screaming. The self-hatred. The sheer rage at how useless I am. I fricking hate it, but how do you combat life? How can you fight your own mind? The pulse of stress that feels stronger than the pulse of our own hearts?

I loathe it, how my mind can’t cope with it, the neverending to-do list, the endless tasks, the ceaseless bills – and how our current system slots us into made-up jobs. I hate that we have to toil day by day so we can feed an already engorged system that still constantly consumes more and more and f*cking MORE until I want to shout at it to just let us go and set us free to do what we want without its relentless demands, because my dreams are not inside its cogs. My dreams are outside that system where I can only watch them and yearn for them through the office window while I slave away at the day job just to earn money so I can sleep in a bed at night and feed my cat and gorge myself on food I often overeat out of the stress that that system exacerbates.

I wish so hard that our world system took care of us – you, me, our minds, our bodies, our lives, our happiness – why does our world focus on generating capital when it’s our interactions in life that bring us happiness? It’s the light in the eyes of a friend we chance-meet on the street. The things we do for fun, the people we meet in life, the loved ones who make us smile, the movies that make us cheer, the books that make us laugh, the art that makes us cry. All of these are things we steal in the moments between – the hours between our work for the system, paying our bills – moments stolen at night when we’re tired, or in the morning when we’re rushed.

Why are our best moments stolen in order to pay for our life? Why can’t we have a system that encourages our life, and all life, rather than focusing on money that only a few people end up having in abundance and they’re not happy, either? Because they live in fear of losing it. They spend their time on keeping it rather than living their lives, too.

I rail against it in the back of my mind more and more. I don’t understand why the system must take and take and we must pay and pay and it must glut and glut while the world’s people and animals and forest and air are depleted of life, nutrients, joy. Why? I mean, I know it’s greed and fear and people grasping for a better life before they land in the grave, but why doesn’t the system work on giving us all a good life rather than pitting us against each other in competition for resources that should not be monetized, but should be nurtured and shared and renewed after we use them?

The frustrating thing is that it’s all possible. It’s possible for us to have a system that nourishes us and allows us to contribute the things we enjoy. Imagine if you could give to the world exactly what you love in exchange for shelter and food while you do what makes you happy. I don’t have the answers, and I know that no true utopia exists, that people are too imperfect for any perfect system to work, but can’t we work toward a utopia? We can sure as heck work toward improving the system bit by bit and focus on constant betterment if not complete perfection. When we fail, we fix it, advance it, enhance it, and move on. Constant change for consistent improvement.

We freaking toppled the Divine Right of Kings. We can change the current system, too.

Even things set in stone are eventually eroded away.

I guess I just wanted to get that out. To feel that I’m not alone in wishing for a better world. I don’t believe I’m alone. I’ve seen too many friends recently crumbling under the stress, too many people who can no longer cope with the current system, can hardly sleep, and who battle their own implacable stress. I myself am struggling with things more and more. My paranoia is getting worse. It’s not just me, and if you’re wrestling, too, it’s not just you. It’s all of us laboring too hard for a system that is taking too much.

So there you go. My word vomit of thoughts of things that make me sick, make my mind more ill than it’s been. When I started this post, I just needed to get something out, and I guess this was it. I can’t say I feel any better, but at least I’ve handed the nastiness in my mind out into the world, as an anchor, perhaps, for someone who is feeling the same.

Maybe no one yet has the answers, but maybe all we need to do is start asking the questions.

Eventually, someone will begin to find the answers.

And we need answers. Half of us are falling apart. Half are still trudging on. Some may feel perfectly fine, but my guess is those people either don’t look at the problems, or don’t perceive them as problems since they don’t care at all.

Honestly, I think everyone’s mental issues are side effects of the system, symptoms of our sickening world. Why are we depressed? Why do we have anxiety and stress? I don’t think it’s because we can just do what we want and relax in a place that works to ensure our wellbeing.

Anyway. Deep breath. Anyone who reads this, thanks for getting this far. Thanks for reading my burdened words and sharing in my worried muse. I hope one day the answers will bring us hope. For now, it’s one step at a time. Stealing moments in between the toil. And finding as much joy as we can in the times we smile.

I send you strength. I sincerely hope you find bliss. And I hope even more that the day will come when we can revel in that bliss more than we endure at our jobs.

As for me, I’m going to try to steal more moments now to weave breath and life and wonder into narratives that maybe you’ll read one day. Thank you for bearing with me. For anyone who feels stressed with me, keep your loving heart. Hold onto compassion. And as those we love most in this world sometimes close themselves off in a defense mechanism trying to cope with ugly reality, hold them as close as you can.

We are here to love. Don’t let the system stop that.

And don’t let it stop us from getting those damn answers.

And if you’re still here feeling like you want more of my words, here’s my shamelessly copied weekly info: feel free to join the newsletter I haven’t been writing (but intend to), join the patreon I’ve been seriously neglecting (but want to resume), or check out my books I don’t want anyone to buy (for realz cuz it’s my old writing and I’m like nooo, don’t read it…) before I unpublish even more (like I unpublished my dystopians).

Stay strong, y’all.

Owner of two cats and huge dreams and author of any kind of love story so long as wild stuff is going on...

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Posted in Blog, My Life
2 comments on “Here I f*cking go again
  1. heartjourney says:

    Just want to send you hugs. I miss you, sweet friend.

    • Sonya Lano says:

      Aww, thanks! This is an almost constant state of mind but I’m happy with this one (there are worse ones that I REALLY hate) 😀 I hope you and Nathan are doing well! I miss you, too…

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Sonya Lano

Sonya Lano

Owner of two cats and huge dreams and author of any kind of love story so long as wild stuff is going on...

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